My Match.com Profile

Hi. My name is Dexter. I am a man, never been married, and I am looking for women between the ages of 3 and 14 months. I'm looking for matches within walking distance of my house.

I grew up in the US, and I don't believe in astrology. I think. Or at least my mom won't tell me what my sign is. Actually, I don't think she knows.

I am two feet, three inches tall, 15 pounds. My hair color is blonde, and my eye color is ambiguous. Changes depending on what I am wearing. My body type is athletic and toned. Everyone lies on these profiles, right?

I enjoy walking and riding in cars, so maybe that counts as auto racing. In my free time I enjoy looking at mobiles, touching the grass, watching my dog, and looking at light fixtures. Oh! And ceiling fans. I love me some ceiling fans. Some of my favorite places - the car, the stroller, and my mom's chest.

What would I enjoy sharing with my dates? Exploring new areas, dining out, gardening, music, and travel. A few of my favorite things? I enjoy classical music, plus any silly song that my mom sings at the time. My favorite TV show is anything that is on the cool flashy box. I also like the lights on the stereo. Oh, and the pictures on the digital picture frame. And my favorite food? I haven't branched out much, so I'd have to say... breast milk. Although I have had some water and that was ok, and I downed some formula the other day just to broaden my palette. What's the last thing I read? Umm. The Runaway Bunny, I think. I have also recently read Green Eggs and Ham, That's Not My Puppy, Hush Little Baby, and Skip to my Lou. And have you read That's Not My Pony? I'd highly recommend it.

I exercise 5 or more times a week on my gym, I do not smoke, I drink every three hours or so, except at night when I am sleeping, and I consider myself a full time student. I am studying life, in general, and when I grow up I want to be able to walk and talk. And maybe play professional football. I do not have children, but I have a really cool stuffed horse named Frazier.

My current income is way way less than $25,000. I currently have a dog, and I like horses. At least Mom says I do.

I am white, and I guess one could say I am agnostic. Who knows. Mom is currently ignoring that aspect of life, so I suppose I will get to chose for myself later.

I speak a special language, kind of a mix between wookie and Nonna-speak. No worries if you can't understand it. Nobody else seems to be able to, either. My level of education is minimal, but I am willing to learn. And I have no political views.

I am the only child. If I were at a party I would walk right up to anyone and smile and introduce myself. My mom is the comedian that makes me laugh the most, although Dad is cool, too. And if I got a big bonus at work I think I would buy Mom some new carpet to replace all the stuff I have spit up on. If I have two weeks of vacation I'd drive across the country with Mom and Dad.

My date should be between 18 inches and three feet tall, with hair or without. Eye color is no matter. Our eyes will be sure to match one day of the week. And I like a girl with a few extra pounds - so she can stay away from Mom for a couple hours and not starve to death.

Wanna go on a date with me?

I can't believe all this stuff is actually ON Match.com. I've never looked before.